My New Story

It's been along time since I've written.  I don't like to write when my heart is heavy.  I talked to a very good friend today who inspired me to write and share my heart.  My story starts with my little boy.  He was seven when 9/11 happened.  He was so passionate about what he heard and saw in the media.  So much so that we had to keep him from watching the news and listening to the radio news stories.  He would yell at the TV or radio, "Why did they do this?"   His young mind could not comprehend how another human could hurt so many.  As with most of us time passed and it became our new reality.  War and the hunt for terrorists.  Little did I know that this one day in time and history changed my child forever.  He never let go of 9/11.  It would creep up in conversation.  He became more focused on world events.  It was a lot for a small child.  By the time he was 10, he declared to his father and I that he wanted to be in the military.  My husband is a Navy vet, my brother-in-law a Marine vet, my uncle, cousin and grandfather all army vets, another cousin an air force vet.  So for us this wasn't an unusual thought.  The years passed and we tried to lead our little boy into college life.  We didn't want our child to see the devastation of war. 
I remember a soldier from a town near ours coming home in a flag draped coffin.  I took my son to pay his respects as the hearse carried this young man to his final resting place.  The roads from the airport to the young man's home were lined with people waving the American flag.  People weeping for a young man that they may or may not have ever met in life but a young man that they all felt gratitude to for the service and sacrifice he gave for his county.  I asked my son "are you willing to pay this price for your country?"  At the time he was maybe 13 and he looked me straight in the eye and said "Mom, if it means keeping you free, then yes I will pay that price."  What's a parent to say.  I felt pride and fear all at the same time.
As my son continued to grow into a young man we continued to lead him in the direction of college but never forgot that his heart was with the military.  Finally came the day to make the decision, college, trade school or military.  He made a deal with us.  He'd go to community college for a year, at the end of the year if he didn't feel that college was his fit we'd go as a family and investigate which branch of the military he'd join.  After graduating from high school he kept his end of the deal.  He went to community college for a year and at the end of that year we had to keep our end of the deal.  His heart hadn't changed over to college and the military was calling stronger than ever to my young man.  After talking with many recruiters and all branches of the military my son chose the United States Marine Corps to take his new adventure in life.
Three weeks ago my little boy left for boot camp.  The emotions that have followed for me are new.  I've never been away from either of my children for this long of a time.  My little boy is no longer a little boy.  The world sees a man and I see a 7 year old little boy with an innocent, crooked little smile.  I'm so proud of him for making his choice.  He is following his dream even though it's not an easy path.  He is my hero.  My heart bursts with pride while my eyes shed tears. 
This is a new amazing journey for me as well as him.  We took him to the recruiter station and left without him.  I won't see my child for 13 weeks.  My communication with my child is limited at best.  When he is sad, lonely or hurting I can not go to his rescue.  I've spent 19 years feeding him, clothing him, keeping a warm safe roof over his head, teaching him, kissing his boo boos, wiping away his tears, wiping his snotty nose and other unmentionable parts.  I've listened to him when his heart has been broken by a girl.  I've cheered until I didn't have a voice left to cheer with at baseball and football games.  I've given tough love when needed.  In essence I have mothered my child and in a matter of thirty minutes of my final good-byes with him I am told that I have to stop that which I have done for 19 years.  I have to stop mothering my child.  The United States Marine Corps will mother him from my child into the man he will become.  How do you stop mothering?  That is something I am currently working through.  I have received so much advice over the last three weeks.  Logically my mind understands and I know that what I'm told is right and good and then there are times I just want to yell at everyone that they have no idea what it's like.  He will be fine, I will be fine.  This much I do know.  I just wish my heart understood the same as my head.  The first couple of days he was gone I cried.  I cried heartbreaking tears.  They would start and I couldn't stop them.  People around me didn't know what to do with me or for me.  They just wanted me to stop crying.  I didn't know what to do either.  I felt a part of me deep inside die.  I wasn't sad because he was going off to follow his dreams.  I was sad because I missed him.  I missed his smile, his smart aleck comments, his hearty appetite.  I even missed his stinky work clothes.  I just missed my son.  Each day has gotten better.  First there was the scripted call home.  If you've never experienced this call it is an experience in itself.  The recruit calls home and reads a script that is provided.  They tell you that they have arrived and are safe and when you can next expect to hear from them.  The last thing they say is "I Love You" and then the line goes dead.  There is no opportunity for you to say anything to your recruit.  The next form of communication came in week two.  It was a form letter letting you know important details regarding graduation.  With each little bit of communication my heart began to feel better.  It was just  another step in the over all process.  So far the best thing has been being able to write and receive letters.  This has recently started.  The sadness in my heart over missing my child is getting less each day.  In the beginning I would go through the motions of my day but feel nothing inside.  It's a numbness I've never experienced before.  I began to wonder if I'd feel happy inside again.  This week I've seen a little bit of my inside happiness return.  I'm still not completely back yet but I know I will have a new, different happiness inside.  I am growing into a Marine mom while he's growing into a Marine.
Prior to his departure we went to a family briefing.  At the briefing we were provided literature and told what our recruit would be doing during boot camp.  I finally brought myself to read the literature about a week ago.  There is a whole section for Marine moms.  If you've ever read any of my previous posts you know how much I truly love my boys' football program and our community.  When I read the Marine's section for moms it sounded like a football mom from our program had written it.  Little did I know that all those years as a football mom, watching my son go from rocket ball to varsity ball, was preparing me to be a Marine mom.  A football mom is not much different than a Marine mom.  It's just the grown up version.  We have to tell our sons to suck it up sometimes and not baby them and let them feel some pain to grow.  So while my heart has been breaking and I have been feeling that I'm no longer needed as his mom I read the best part of the literature.
"Besides the Corps itself and their Country, there's only on other thing Marines revere:  Their Mammas...(The few, The Proud...The Moms!!!)"  This reminded me that while he is at boot camp in San Diego learning to be a Marine, I am at home in my own boot camp learning to be a Marine Mom.  A badge that I will proudly wear!
So begins my journey...

One of a parent's worst phone calls...

One of the worst phone calls a parent can receive starts with "I've been in an accident".  All the strange things that go through your mind in about 2.2 seconds is amazing.  The firing of questions is fast and furious.  Let's start with, "Are you ok?"  "Where are you?"  "What happened?"  "Anyone with you?"  "Anyone hurt?".  The questions go on and on and it's amazing how fast we as parents can rattle them off while the whole time you're just trying to figure out how to get to your kid the fastest way possible.
This was my evening a couple of Friday's ago.  My son was in a four car accident on the highway.  Someone going about 50 MPH rear ended him causing his vehicle to hit the one in front of him which in turn hit the one in front of them.  The Jeep is totaled but he and everyone else walked away so as far as I'm concerned the Jeep did it's job and kept him safe.
It's his first accident so he's been playing the "what if" game.  "What if my friends had been with me?"  Well, they would have been badly injured.  The back seat was destroyed and the driver side seat broke.  "What if the air bag hadn't gone off?"  More than likely I would have seen his head print in the windshield.  I didn't so I'm good with the fact that they did go off.  "What if the gas tank had leaked?"  The car that hit him lifted his vehicle and hit the gas tank.  The gas tank held, didn't leak and didn't explode so again  I'm thankful.  As a young man he's having a harder time not thinking of the "What if".  I, on the other hand am just thankful for "what is".  He is ok and none of the bad things that he keeps thinking about happened to him. 
I am thankful to see his smiling face every day!

The Blue In Me

    Red     Yellow     Green     Blue

Recently I was given a color personality test at a seminar I attended.  I love participating in these types of things.  I'm always so curious to see where I fit.  Especially since there are times in life when I feel like I don't quite fit in anywhere.  If honest with ourselves we've all experienced the feeling of not fitting in at one time or another.  I just find it quite curious as to "why".  When I first took the test I came up as a Blue.  Our choices are Red, Yellow, Green and Blue.  Since the seminar I've taken a couple of different versions of the color personality test.  The questions asked on the different tests were never the same as the one before  so I thought that my answers might cause a different outcome based on my mood when I retook the test.  I thought that I must be a different color.  So far I've been proven wrong.  I am still coming up a strong Blue.  My only changes are sometimes my second color is Yellow and sometimes it's Green.  I never come up red.  The fun part is how accurate the findings match my personality.  I have a work personality and a home personality which are very different from the other so when I take the test I respond as I would at work.  It helps me to  understand others I work with.  I've discovered that most people I work with are Yellows a few Reds and only a couple of Greens.  So far I'm the only Blue that I know.  It's fun and uncannily accurate.  Enjoy the links below.  See which personality you are and who you work with.

Below are the results of what the colors mean.
  http://www.quia.com/files/quia/users/kkacher/WrldHlthResrch_handouts/Personality-Test-for-Teaming

RED: task and result oriented, likes recognition, likes to be on the move, doesn’t like to be late, enjoys individual sports (golf, tennis, track, piano, individual dance, etc.)  likes expensive showy things, generally honest, but their moral compass might deviate during a competitive showdown.

Red personality types tend to make good leaders. They love leadership roles and enjoy “managing” people (sometime perceived as bossy or having big egos). In the classroom setting, their hands will fly up when they know the answer. Generally, 1 out of 5 will be red. They like to leader of the pack.

Car of choice: something flashy and expensive (e.g. sports car)

If they were an adult and had to put a swing set together: would pay somebody to do it for them

YELLOW: people oriented, expressive, friendly, loves to talk, extravagant, optimistic, enjoys team sports (volley ball, baseball, football, basketball, drill team, cheer team, etc.).

Yellow personality types are the glue that holds groups together. They are generally outgoing and fun loving. They are your classroom talkers. Yellows are usually the principal color in most groups. They like to run in packs.

Car of choice: one that’s big enough to hold their friends

If they were an adult and had to put a swing set together: would invite their friends over to build and barbeque

 

GREEN: detail oriented, precise, controlled, likes to do things right the first time, likes to complete jobs, tends to be thrifty as adults.

Green personality types like order. They generally have neat lockers and organized notebooks. They are often perceived as “neatfreaks”.  They make wonderful treasurers, secretaries, or committee chairs in clubs. They will keep your group organized.  Generally speaking, 1 out of every 7 will be green. Likes to keep the pack on the trail.

Car of choice: hybrid vehicle (energy efficient) If they were an adult and had to put a swing set together: would pull out the directions, carefully count and arrange the parts, then systematically build the swing set

BLUE: creative, freethinking, sincere, loyal, caring, perceptive, understanding, open‐minded, oftentimes enjoys nature, many like the arts.
 Blue personality types are often perceived as quiet, sometimes shy individuals. Oftentimes they may be loners or have one or two other “blue” friends. They are very innovative, idea people. They tend to be quiet in a group and should be called upon to share their ideas. Generally, 1 out of every 8 or 9  will be blue. Blues don’t usually run with the pack.
Car of choice: jeep, recreational vehicle, unusual car (offroad adventures)

If they were an adult and had to put a swing set together: would design their own swing set

Or
Click on the following link  to take an online version of the test.
http://www.blueharvest.net/temp/test/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

My life is in a fish bowl

My life will never be the same after this week.  I am at that point in my life when my children are ceasing to be children and are becoming adults.  I am having to sit back and learn a new roll.  I have spent 19 years being a "mom" first and foremost every day of my life.  I've prepared meals, changed diapers, cleaned house and washed clothes.  I've played cars, built sand castles, gone on imaginary trips, made swords and forts and play doh.  I've been to little league, rocket football, boy scouts and any number of holiday parties at school.  Now my little boys have both reached major milestones in their lives this week.  My oldest enlisted into the US Marine Corps.  My youngest played his last game of football after 10 years.  I am learning the new roll of "mom".  This week I have learned that no matter what, I will always be their mom and they will need me.  It's the type of need that changes.  They don't need me to prepare their meals anymore or do their laundry.  They need me to be their rock and soft place to land.  They are both great young men and I am proud to be their mom!
As my week has progressed I have found myself in a fish bowl.  Everyone is watching me.  Waiting for the mommy melt down.  My friends and family have been so kind in checking in with me to see if I'm ok with these changes and passages into their new phases of life.  But...I feel like I'm a fish in a bowl with the world watching and waiting for something that I haven't been able to put into words.  It is going to be a new adventure every day.  Next year my youngest goes off to college and the oldest will be off with the Marines.  I have to learn a whole new me.
One day at a time until I master this new role.  Wish me luck!

Some of my favorite places

The other night I was over at the high school football field running on the track.  As I ran I did a little people watching.  I watched as one of our local football players had his senior pictures taken at the field.  I watched as a few other familiar faces did their work outs on the track.  As I watched these normal every day activities I thought to myself.  "This is one of my favorite places in the world".  I smiled to myself and felt a contentment that can't manufactured.  It's not fancy like Eiffel Tower or anything like that.  It's our football field where I have spent time watching my boys play football from the time they started rocket ball at 8 years old to this year when the youngest will graduate.  I've worked out on the track.  I've met great friends there.  It's no different than any other high school football field and track.  It's one of my favorite places in the world.

The Olden Days

Walk down an old main street.  Look beyond the age, wear and tear, dirt, weather, disrepair of the buildings and look for the day of it's glory.  Picture the people who walked the sidewalks you walk.  Envision the dirt or brick roads.  When you go into the stores that line an old town main street there are still the creaky wooden floors, some still have the tin ceiling.  What was this shop when it was first built?  Who lived in the apartment above?  What must life have been like for those who lived in and around the town.  People like my grandparents walked those streets in their youth.  They lived on the farms that skirted small town USA. 

I talk to my grandparents about the olden days.  My Grandma was born in 1921 she will be 93 in January and my Grandpa in 1916, he will be 97 in November.  They were farm kids.  My grandpa was a fortunate boy and able to go to school and graduate from high school.  My grandma has always been so proud of the fact that she was able to go to school through the 8th grade.  How times have changed.  These days Grandma remembers more of her youth then she does last week.  She talks about playing dolls with her sisters at the old farm house.  Even at 92 years old I can see the young girl in her face when she remembers something or she looks at a picture of her and my Grandpa that hangs on the wall.  There is still an innocent girl that has never left her face.  She has the sweetest smile.  My Grandpa was in WWII, he worked for years in a boat factory and is the epitome of a man of his era.  He didn't cook or clean.  He is the man of the house.  He's frustrated that his body is old and his mind is 30.   He talks about time as a young man.  The jokes and pranks that he and his brothers would play on his sister.  Both Grandma and  Grandpa affectionately remember something "mother" use to do.  Whenever they tell stories about their mothers I can see them as young children.  The years wash away from their faces.  I am so blessed to still have them both and try to soak up the olden days every time I see them.  This month they will celebrate 71 years of marriage.

Playing Hooky

When is the last time you played hooky?  When I think of playing hooky it reminds me of my carefree youth when all I had to worry about was me.  I may have played hooky from college or work a couple of times during those younger years.  I recently played hooky from work.  It wasn't a truly defined hooky day since I asked the bosses for the day off and used vacation but it was as free as any hooky day I've ever had.  The day was one of the last nice days in fall before the weather would be too unreliable for such a grand adventure.  I went to a small lakeshore town.  Searched an antique store and wandered the small shops on Main Street.  I spent the day with a friend who was many miles away from me.  It was a fabulous time.  We chatted about nothing.  We were physically miles apart but the joy of the smart phone allowed me to spend a fabulous day with a great friend.  Towards the end of my day my friend had to leave me and I took my adventure to the beach.  I can never feel alone at the water's edge.  There is something so incredibly inspirational about the power of the big lake.  There's such an unharnessed power and at the same time a calming power that brings my soul back home whenever I'm out of sorts.  The world outside can take it's toll and send me off center sometimes but the water's edge can bring me back to center right away.  I think my soul was born to be near water.  A large or small body of water, it doesn't matter.  My soul is connected to the ebb and flow of water.  The breeze in my face takes away all stresses that life can weigh me down with.  I feel like a young carefree child