My New Story

It's been along time since I've written.  I don't like to write when my heart is heavy.  I talked to a very good friend today who inspired me to write and share my heart.  My story starts with my little boy.  He was seven when 9/11 happened.  He was so passionate about what he heard and saw in the media.  So much so that we had to keep him from watching the news and listening to the radio news stories.  He would yell at the TV or radio, "Why did they do this?"   His young mind could not comprehend how another human could hurt so many.  As with most of us time passed and it became our new reality.  War and the hunt for terrorists.  Little did I know that this one day in time and history changed my child forever.  He never let go of 9/11.  It would creep up in conversation.  He became more focused on world events.  It was a lot for a small child.  By the time he was 10, he declared to his father and I that he wanted to be in the military.  My husband is a Navy vet, my brother-in-law a Marine vet, my uncle, cousin and grandfather all army vets, another cousin an air force vet.  So for us this wasn't an unusual thought.  The years passed and we tried to lead our little boy into college life.  We didn't want our child to see the devastation of war. 
I remember a soldier from a town near ours coming home in a flag draped coffin.  I took my son to pay his respects as the hearse carried this young man to his final resting place.  The roads from the airport to the young man's home were lined with people waving the American flag.  People weeping for a young man that they may or may not have ever met in life but a young man that they all felt gratitude to for the service and sacrifice he gave for his county.  I asked my son "are you willing to pay this price for your country?"  At the time he was maybe 13 and he looked me straight in the eye and said "Mom, if it means keeping you free, then yes I will pay that price."  What's a parent to say.  I felt pride and fear all at the same time.
As my son continued to grow into a young man we continued to lead him in the direction of college but never forgot that his heart was with the military.  Finally came the day to make the decision, college, trade school or military.  He made a deal with us.  He'd go to community college for a year, at the end of the year if he didn't feel that college was his fit we'd go as a family and investigate which branch of the military he'd join.  After graduating from high school he kept his end of the deal.  He went to community college for a year and at the end of that year we had to keep our end of the deal.  His heart hadn't changed over to college and the military was calling stronger than ever to my young man.  After talking with many recruiters and all branches of the military my son chose the United States Marine Corps to take his new adventure in life.
Three weeks ago my little boy left for boot camp.  The emotions that have followed for me are new.  I've never been away from either of my children for this long of a time.  My little boy is no longer a little boy.  The world sees a man and I see a 7 year old little boy with an innocent, crooked little smile.  I'm so proud of him for making his choice.  He is following his dream even though it's not an easy path.  He is my hero.  My heart bursts with pride while my eyes shed tears. 
This is a new amazing journey for me as well as him.  We took him to the recruiter station and left without him.  I won't see my child for 13 weeks.  My communication with my child is limited at best.  When he is sad, lonely or hurting I can not go to his rescue.  I've spent 19 years feeding him, clothing him, keeping a warm safe roof over his head, teaching him, kissing his boo boos, wiping away his tears, wiping his snotty nose and other unmentionable parts.  I've listened to him when his heart has been broken by a girl.  I've cheered until I didn't have a voice left to cheer with at baseball and football games.  I've given tough love when needed.  In essence I have mothered my child and in a matter of thirty minutes of my final good-byes with him I am told that I have to stop that which I have done for 19 years.  I have to stop mothering my child.  The United States Marine Corps will mother him from my child into the man he will become.  How do you stop mothering?  That is something I am currently working through.  I have received so much advice over the last three weeks.  Logically my mind understands and I know that what I'm told is right and good and then there are times I just want to yell at everyone that they have no idea what it's like.  He will be fine, I will be fine.  This much I do know.  I just wish my heart understood the same as my head.  The first couple of days he was gone I cried.  I cried heartbreaking tears.  They would start and I couldn't stop them.  People around me didn't know what to do with me or for me.  They just wanted me to stop crying.  I didn't know what to do either.  I felt a part of me deep inside die.  I wasn't sad because he was going off to follow his dreams.  I was sad because I missed him.  I missed his smile, his smart aleck comments, his hearty appetite.  I even missed his stinky work clothes.  I just missed my son.  Each day has gotten better.  First there was the scripted call home.  If you've never experienced this call it is an experience in itself.  The recruit calls home and reads a script that is provided.  They tell you that they have arrived and are safe and when you can next expect to hear from them.  The last thing they say is "I Love You" and then the line goes dead.  There is no opportunity for you to say anything to your recruit.  The next form of communication came in week two.  It was a form letter letting you know important details regarding graduation.  With each little bit of communication my heart began to feel better.  It was just  another step in the over all process.  So far the best thing has been being able to write and receive letters.  This has recently started.  The sadness in my heart over missing my child is getting less each day.  In the beginning I would go through the motions of my day but feel nothing inside.  It's a numbness I've never experienced before.  I began to wonder if I'd feel happy inside again.  This week I've seen a little bit of my inside happiness return.  I'm still not completely back yet but I know I will have a new, different happiness inside.  I am growing into a Marine mom while he's growing into a Marine.
Prior to his departure we went to a family briefing.  At the briefing we were provided literature and told what our recruit would be doing during boot camp.  I finally brought myself to read the literature about a week ago.  There is a whole section for Marine moms.  If you've ever read any of my previous posts you know how much I truly love my boys' football program and our community.  When I read the Marine's section for moms it sounded like a football mom from our program had written it.  Little did I know that all those years as a football mom, watching my son go from rocket ball to varsity ball, was preparing me to be a Marine mom.  A football mom is not much different than a Marine mom.  It's just the grown up version.  We have to tell our sons to suck it up sometimes and not baby them and let them feel some pain to grow.  So while my heart has been breaking and I have been feeling that I'm no longer needed as his mom I read the best part of the literature.
"Besides the Corps itself and their Country, there's only on other thing Marines revere:  Their Mammas...(The few, The Proud...The Moms!!!)"  This reminded me that while he is at boot camp in San Diego learning to be a Marine, I am at home in my own boot camp learning to be a Marine Mom.  A badge that I will proudly wear!
So begins my journey...